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　　若是有個人冷不怔地出來問你：天津衛(wèi)出嘛？要答不上話碴兒，你還真被人家問“悶兒”了。天津衛(wèi)這地方，大馬路上不種五谷雜糧，小胡同里不長瓜果梨桃，滿城幾十萬人口，幾十萬張嘴巴睜開眼睛就要吃要喝，就算天津衛(wèi)有九條河流橫穿而過，即使這九條大河里游滿了魚蝦螃蟹，連河岸邊的青蛙一起捉來下鍋，恐怕也喂不飽這幾十萬張肚皮。所以，君不見日日夜夜火車輪船不停地往天津運大米白面，城鄉(xiāng)公路車拉肩擔又不停地往天津送蔬菜瓜果。就這么著，天津爺們兒還吵鬧著嘛也買不到，大把的鈔票攥在手心里愣花不出去。

　　If someone throws a question to you: What does Tianjin produce? If you are unable to give an answer, you may feel completely flummoxed. The city of Tianjin produces neither grain nor fruit, and with a population of several thousand, it would be difficult to feed all the residents, even if the place were endowed with nine rivers teemed with fish and shrimps, and even if all the frogs in the river were killed for food. No wonder trains and ships carry rice and flour to Tianjin non-stop, day and night, and all roads to the city are congested with truckloads and cartloads of vegetables and fruits. Even so, Tianjin folks still obstreperously complain that there is absolutely nothing to buy, and there is simply no way to spend the huge lumps of cash they are holding.

　　你道這天津衛(wèi)到底出嘛？我心里有數，只是不能往外亂說，張揚出去，我就沒法兒在天津呆了。天津爺們兒怪罪下來，大不了我一個人拉著家小逃之夭夭，可天津衛(wèi)還有我的老宅院，還有我的姑姨叔舅，讓人家受我連累，我對不起人。

　　What on earth does Tianjin produce then? I know the answer perfectly well, but I have to hold my tongue. If the word spreads, I shall be forced to leave Tianjin. Should the locals take umbrage, I can just disappear together with my family. But I have an old house and some relatives in Tianjin. It wouldn't be fair to implicate my relatives. I certainly don't want to get them into trouble.

　　說順聽的吧，天津衛(wèi)出秀才，出圣人。有人說瞎掰，你天津衛(wèi)千多年沒出過一個狀元，到清朝政府廢除科舉，天津衛(wèi)就沒一個人上過金榜，所以直到如今天津的文廟不能開正門，你說寒磣不寒磣。其實天津不出狀元是因為天津離京城太近，想考狀元的早早搬遷進京城住去了，中了狀元甩京腔他也不承認自家是天津人，白喝了天津衛(wèi)的海河水，白吃了這許多年的煎餅裸子，這叫不厚道。再說天津爺們兒從來沒把狀元看得有什么了不起，好漢子講的是獨霸一方，狀元郎不就是給皇帝老子作駙馬嗎？沒勁，認皇后作丈母娘，這姑爺準不好當。

　　So let me start by saying something flattering. Tianjin produces scholars and sages. Some may say this is sheer twaddle. Over a thousand years, Tianjin hasn't produced a Number One Scholar. Up to the time when the Qing government abolished the imperial examination system, not a single person from Tianjin had ever found his name on the list of successful examination candidates. So even today due to this disgrace the Confucian Temple in Tianjin can't open its main gate. Isn't it humiliating? But the reason for it can be ascribed to Tianjin's geographical proximity to Beijing. Those who wanted to take the examination would move there at their earliest convenience, and those who passed the examination would acquire a Beijing accent and refuse to acknowledge their Tianjin origin, with no credit being given to the fact that they had been raised in this city. Years of feeding them plainly went down the drain. How ungrateful! But then, no one in Tianjin cared much about scholars. If you were a big shot of the day, you had your own territory to rule. What was so special about Number One Scholar? You might end up being the emperor's son-in-law, which could hardly be fun. It wasn't exactly exciting either to have the empress as your mother-in-law.

　　說不中聽的話，天津衛(wèi)出混混，出青皮。有這么回事沒有？有。這用不著捂著瞞著，天津混混有幫有派，打起架來不要命，最能耐的叫“疊”了，一雙胳膊抱住腦袋，曲膝弓背側躺在地上，任你亂棍齊下，血肉橫飛，打爛了這邊，再翻過身來讓你打那邊，不許喊叫，不許出聲，不許咬牙，不許皺眉頭。為什么要這樣打人？為什么要這樣挨打？說不清緣由，這叫天津氣派，后來時興新潮詞匯，叫作“天津情結”。

　　To put it bluntly, Tianjin produces good-for-nothing loafers and hooligans. Is that so? Oh, yes. There is no need to say less than the truthful. Tianjin hooligans, organized and grouped, would risk their necks in scrimmages. Their most peculiar practice is called "folding" while holding your head in your arms, you lie on your side with knees bent, and no matter how unsparingly they bludgeon you, with blood gushing and spouting in every direction, you are not supposed to scream, or even utter a sound. In addition, you should neither clench your teeth nor frown. When one side of your body is thoroughly battered, you turn around to expose the other side. Why beat people like this? And why do the victims put up with this? No particular reason. Maybe this is Tianjin style. Or to use a trendy phrase, it is the "Tianjin complex".

　　天津衛(wèi)還總得有些獨一無二的人物吧？有。這類人物只在天津能夠找到，大江南北，長城內外，東洋西洋，世界各地，只在天津衛(wèi)才能見到，告訴你長長見識，這類人物叫天津閑人。

　　Are there any outstanding characters in Tianjin after all? Yes, there are, a type that can only be found in Tianjin. Wherever you go, north or south, east or west, or even all over the world, you won't be able to find this type anywhere else, for it is unique to Tianjin. Let me explain: these are Tianjin idlers.